A Victim's Perspective - Guest Post

In line with my previous post regarding publicly bashing potential witnesses, I wanted to share with you the powerful words from the mother of not one, but seven victims of molestation and abuse. Ms. Shelley Linsday made a comment on my post, but a small little comment didn't seem like enough. I invited Ms. Linsday to share her story.

I warn you, her words are powerful and heart-wrenching. If you are sensitive to reading or hearing about child abuse, you might want to skip this post. I feel privileged that Ms. Linsday has decided to share her story with us. I needed a box of tissues close by, you may too.

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My name is Shelley Linsday. It was brought to my attention that the Creative Frontiers School of Citrus Heights, CA has a supporter named Christian Peet. I'd like to take a few minutes and let you know how Mr. Peet has impacted our family's life.

Our family includes 14 children; three born to us, ten adopted and one living with us in permanent foster care. Eight of our adopted children have special needs--physical, medical, emotional and/or developmental deficits or challenges--due to prenatal drug exposure. Adoption has been a huge part of our family's life experience as we not only adopted a large number of children but I have worked as a child advocate since 1993. I was the Oregon representative for the North American Council on Adoptable Children and served on the Board of Directors of the Southern Oregon Child Study and Treatment Center until my retirement six years ago due to disability. My husband, Phillip, is a contractor and builder.

Our family was active, vibrant and challenging. Never could I have imagined the hard work, flexibility, resilience and sense of humor it would take on a daily basis to parent such a wonderful and diverse group of children. We live in Ashland, OR and were fortunate to have the very best resources for special education and a lovely group of friends, neighbors, teachers, therapists and coaches as our support system. I once wrote an article for the Journal of Public Welfare titled "It Takes a Village" and I truly mean those words. Our life was full but very rewarding--juggling the children's needs, building a large house, learning advocacy and just being a family.

On April 16, 1998, however, our life changed in ways we could have never imagined. One of our sons came to us and haltingly shared that a neighbor teen had done some "inappropriate things" to him. He was crying, wouldn't make eye contact and kept thumping his leg as he spoke. We could hardly breathe as he explained what happened. Our hearts broke as it became clear that our special needs 12 year old son had been sexually molested by our 14 year old neighbor. We assured him that he had done the right thing by telling us, promised him that we would keep him safe and put him to bed. We then retired to our own room to cry. Our minds were reeling. We liked our neighbors. The father was a doctor and the mother was our children's school librarian. They had two children. One was a daughter who was a gifted young lady and who walked to the high school bus with one of our older children. Their teen son was a unique and perplexing boy--cheerful, very ready to help but always a little different. We'd had many cautions about allowing our children to play with him, from other parents, teachers and school staff but every warning seemed vague. He seemed lonely, sad and "lost" and we felt empathy for him. He obviously wanted to play with our children and so we began to allow it. We even included him in family outings, such as sledding and park picnics. For some reason, we never felt comfortable with him inside our home but he played outside with the younger children. Our two oldest daughters, who do not have special needs, were close to his age but didn't seem to be interested in a friendship. An occasional pick up game of basketball or a quick check of baby chickens was about all they would offer. I secretly thought that he had a crush on one or the other. I even encouraged them to “be nice”. When they ignored him, he put all his energy into playing with and entertaining the younger children, who were 7-12 years old. Most functioned at a much lower level, though, and had few friends. They ate up the attention. We had strict rules which the teen had a tendency to break. We didn't allow him (or others) to hold the children on his lap nor to give them shoulder or piggy-back rides. It was hard to put a finger on it but it just seemed odd and not quite “right” when he did these things. We continuously set boundaries and reminded him of those boundaries. He was always apologetic when corrected. After about a year of him playing in our yard, he invited a few of the children to his exotic bird coop with our permission. Oh, they were excited. They even played basketball on his driveway. This was a huge step for many of them as they were just learning how to be social. Their therapist encouraged us to loosen up a little bit. And then April 16th came and everything changed.

The day following our son’s disclosure, we took him to see his therapist and he disclosed to her, with us not present in the room. He then disclosed to two local detectives at the Children's Advocacy Center and later to a physician. Our teen neighbor, Ryan D. Smith, was arrested that evening and charged with a number of sex crimes. He was lodged in the juvenile detention center. Our son still seemed agitated, however, and the other children were clamoring for information as to where Ryan had gone. We were very hopeful that Ryan would admit to what he had done and get some therapy. We were willing to help our son forgive this transgression by his friend. However, that's not the way things happened.

Within about a week, our seven youngest children disclosed horrific sexual abuse that had been going on for quite some time. Each one came forward after they were assured that Ryan could not hurt them. Even though they had loved playing with him and relished his clandestine treats, they all knew that some of his "play" was wrong and had hurt. The words they used to describe their rapes and assaults were those of young children. Being that they watched very little TV and had never seen anything beyond a G-rated movie, they didn't have the words. One little girl who is profoundly developmentally disabled, deaf and has cerebral palsy had to write notes to us and to the detectives describing what had been done to her as she couldn't communicate with words. I still have her notes, written in red marker. The sentences ran together...”Ryan hit Lily’s (***Name of victim has been changed to protect identity.) head and he hit her head and put his winkie in Lily’s tee-tee. Lily says that Ryan put his winkie in hard and Lily didn’t like it. Lily said STOP but Ryan said RETARD.” The child (now a young woman) still refers to herself in the first person. Another young son, aged 7, stated emphatically that Ryan had tried to pull his winkie off but “it was stuck on pretty good”.

Ryan also terrorized the children by threatening them with a gun, telling them that if they ever told he would rape their older sisters and kill his victims in their sleep. He showed them what might happen to them by demonstrating cruel sexualized abuse on our family pets and his chickens and rabbits. As they disclosed, there was so much shame in their tiny voices. They shook and cried and wet and soiled themselves. They were certain they were in trouble. But when they were told that they would be safe, you could literally see a weight lifting. Each surprised us, however, with simply wanting Ryan to stop the "bad things" and to return to being their friend. My husband and I and our older children were literally reeling. None of us knew what lay ahead.

Ryan was charged with over 20 sex crimes. Within a month's time, two other children came forward--children who had lived in our house with their mother prior to us buying it. Our children also reported that they'd seen Ryan being sexually abused by an adult friend of his and gave names of two other children who they'd seen him molest. These crimes had all taken place in the Smith's yard, our yard or in our elementary school. Ryan was a frequent volunteer who enjoyed working with the primary grade children. He spent many hours at our children's school, even though he was supposed to be across town at the middle school. It was in our school that he raped one of our sons in the primary grade restroom as our little boy could hear his teacher speaking on the other side of the wall.

There really are no words to describe what a parent goes through when they learn of their child's abuse. You feel as if you are drowning. You become numb. There's so much guilt. How could this have happened on "our watch", on the school's watch? We had been so protective, so careful and yet here we were with eight sexually abused children. To be bluntly honest, there were days--hundreds of days--when my husband and I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare. Our days were filled with Trauma Assessment Therapy meetings, physical exams, HIV/STD tests, meetings with the DA's office, the schools or the detectives. At one point we looked at my day runner and counted over 100 appointments that summer related to the case. On top of this burden, we had a family to raise, dinner to get on the table, older children's needs to meet, bills to pay, weddings to plan, grandchildren to welcome and a marriage to preserve.

One issue that was paramount from the first day of disclosure is that the children were forbidden to talk to others about their disclosures or to talk amongst themselves. They had to have aids at school to prevent any discussion. They had to sit separately on their special bus. We had to audio monitor their rooms and be ready to shut down any discussion immediately. We were not privy to all they had disclosed. The videotaped interviews were conducted by detectives at the Jackson County Children’s Advocacy Center and parents are not allowed to be present. We did not see the tapes until they were played in court, almost a year later. There were many many horrid surprises. We also were not in the rooms with physicians when the children disclosed. We were allowed to stand next to a child's side while they were examined but were strictly forbidden to show any emotion. I can’t describe the depth of pain I experienced as I stood by as my 10 year old daughter who has cerebral palsy had her tiny constricted legs forcibly held apart while a culposcope photographed damage deep in her vagina. My husband had to remove himself from the room when several of the boys cried in shame when they were examined. We were prohibited from asking any child about the abuse. If a child came to us and mentioned any detail, we were instructed to write it down word for word and to call the police to pick up the disclosure. In other words, there was no normal left at our house. We had turned into a treatment milieu overnight.

Ten long hard months passed and we came to trial. After an arduous eight day trial, with each child taking the stand in front of their rapist and bravely telling their story, Ryan D. Smith was found guilty (or under the jurisdiction of the court) on 12 counts. One count of Menacing, two counts of Sexual Abuse in the 3rd Degree, one count of Sexual Abuse in the 1st Degree, six counts of Sodomy in the 1st Degree and two counts of Rape in the 1st Degree. I remember the children falling into each others arms as I quietly sobbed against my husband's chest. We gathered all the children and held them. Ryan D. Smith was guilty of raping our children. Their simple and straightforward words had rung clear and true. As we walked out of the Jackson County courthouse on a snowy day in February 1999, we made our children a solemn promise that the worst was over. We were all emotionally and physically spent. Our tears were surely not of joy but of sheer exhaustion. We looked forward to beginning the process of healing. The trial was behind us. I'm sorry to say that we told our children a lie.

It was not over and is still not close to being over. Our family's life was forever upended. We had to endure the appeal, the Oregon Supreme Court affirmation, the Post Conviction Relief Trial, depositions of the children all over again--9 years after the rapes--the Post Conviction Relief Appeal and finally the denial of a request for clemency from Governor Kulongoski. Time and again, each court, each judge and our governor affirmed what the Honorable Mark Schiveley of Jackson County had ruled. Ryan D. Smith was guilty of raping the Linsday children. Ryan served 10 years in a series of Oregon Youth Authority facilities. He never admitted his crimes even though his own probation officer and therapist testified that he had failed his polygraphs and refused treatment. He was released as a lifelong Registered Sex Offender on his 25th birthday, June 1, 2009.

Imagine our surprise when one of our very special needs daughters came home from school one day and told us that while doing a school project, she had found her name on the internet, next to a picture of Ryan. We were shocked as the children's names had been kept confidential by the courts and the media. Admittedly, everyone in our town knew who the victims were but on the internet? Surely not. We quickly had her show us what she had found on my private computer. She'd simply typed in her name and had come upon a site called the National Center for Reason and Justice. We read the site with growing horror. This organization had taken up Ryan's case. It turned out that they had been sponsoring him for quite some time and had been soliciting donations in his name. We clicked on his story and were totally shocked to read blatant lies about our children, our home, the crimes committed and even the trial itself. Even worse, the NCRJ named each of the children and gave our address. The testimony they quoted was taken out of context, lacked the follow-up explanations and completely twisted the truth. We called the Attorney General's office directly. They had an investigator check the site and copy it. They concluded that it was onerous and unprecedented but it was legal. Anyone can call a child victim a liar. Anyone can proclaim that a convicted person is innocent. It doesn't matter one whit that there's been a trial, a conviction, a failed appeal, a failed Supreme Court appeal, a failed Post Conviction Relief, or a failed request for the governor's clemency. We literally could not believe it. How much more pain would our children be forced to endure? At what point did Ryan Smith "count" as guilty and our children's testimony be accepted as fact? What motivation could we possibly have to bring about this misery?

We hired an attorney at the cost of $10,000 and another attorney assisted pro bono. Finally, after months of work with an organization called Crime Victims United, we were able to have our names removed from the NCRJ site. Our story still exists on that site but now we are known by X's. There has been no mention of Ryan’s release over two years ago, however.

Since 1998, not a single day has passed which was not colored somehow by the abuse--either the psychological aftermath, the drudgery of dealing with the judicial system, or the embarrassment and pain of the children's testimony being called lies. Our children spiraled in and out of depression, experienced behavioral difficulties, health challenges and we responded to over thirty suicide attempts. No 16 year old teen should ever have to get reassurance from his father that he was truly a virgin even though he was anally raped at age 9. No 15 year old girl should find her full name on the internet with a twisted discussion of her most private horror. No parent should have to cringe each and every time some nasty and completely untrue detail was added to the internet site and watch as the donations poured in. By their own admission, the NCRJ stated that Ryan D. Smith's case received the "lion's share" of donations for their site. Just how much did they receive in donations, strictly to support Ryan’s defense? Between the years of 2004 and 2009, donations rolled in totaling $163,709.55 per the IRS 990 forms available online. Ryan received by far the most donations compared to any other NCRJ case. Most of the other sponsored cases received only hundreds of dollars per year. Who is continuing to donate this money? To a small degree, I can understand someone stumbling across the site and finding the story horrific....beyond belief. Eight special needs children, their parents, their school, the local police, and the DAs had all conspired to destroy a happy, healthy young man's life. What they failed to share was the truth. However, they somehow got people to pull out their wallets. The NCRJ helpfully provides a "Statement of Facts" supposedly written by Ryan. But his statement of facts is not at all what the courts deemed believable. In fact, over and over again, Ryan had the opportunity to plead his case....his facts....and they never held up. The children's relation of facts never changed. To this day, they've never recanted nor accused others of abusing them. To this day, some of our most special needs children actually miss Ryan and wonder when he'll be their friend again. Just because the NCRJ says that Ryan D. Smith was "falsely accused and wrongly convicted" does not make it true. Just because the NCRJ says that no evidence as described by the children was ever found does not make it true. I recently contacted the District Attorney who handled our case, Karen Loomis, to clarify this issue. She told me that the gun was found exactly where each child had privately described it would be. The real truth is that Ryan D. Smith is guilty. Being that the donations for Ryan’s case ceased in 2010 (though his profile is still listed), it seems as though the NCRJ lost a “cash cow”. We’ve always wondered who donated this money, why they donated and how it was spent. One thing is for certain, Ryan Smith had the finest attorneys money could buy.

My husband, our older children, and I have learned to hold our heads high and to try to ignore this organization. We've tried to protect the younger and more vulnerable children (now young adults) from the knowledge that the site even exists. However, out of the blue this summer, that became almost impossible.

Since my illness struck, I've become bedbound. I can no longer do the advocacy I once did. I cannot walk nor speak clearly. But I can type. Because there was an element of photography in our children's disclosures and because the FBI gathered both photographic face shots and full body shots of the children for their files, I am extremely watchful of the crime of child pornography. I set a goal to make sure the names of those convicted of manufacturing and/or trading child pornography are readily available on the internet. That goal brought me to a crime forum called Websleuths. I chose this forum as their “Crimes in the News” and “Spotlight on Children” forums are tightly monitored and moderated. I try to start a thread on each and every "helping professional" convicted of this heinous crime. I began by starting threads on anyone convicted of the crime but as the arrests stacked up, I couldn't keep up. I only have about 10 hours per day to research and thus have put my energy into seeking out those in the helping professions--doctors, clergy, therapists, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, law officers. Because I spend so much time on Websleuths, I also comment and start threads on other crimes involving children and try to answer questions about adoption, childhood sexual abuse, the judicial process and disabilities. To date, I've posted almost 10,000 times and I'm proud to say that many victims have contacted me concerning men and women who I've written about. It is cathartic for me to help others who are victims. It helps me to see them get some closure.

It was on the Websleuths forum that I commented about the shut down of the Creative Frontiers School two months ago and said that I surely hoped we wouldn’t start hearing about "tainted or coerced testimony". I wrote an open letter to parents at CFS, in case they found our thread on Websleuths. I cautioned them not to discuss the victims and to leave the interviewing of children to the professionals. I wasn't overly shocked when Robert Adams was arrested. I've simply written too many posts about highly esteemed teachers and principals who have molested their students and betrayed their communities to be surprised any more. If people think this crime is rare, go to Websleuths and search using the words; rape, molestation, child porn, teacher, principal, etc. You’ll have your eyes opened.

When I started researching this school, located about 350 miles south of my home, I was absolutely dumbfounded to find a man named Christian Peet writing about false allegations. On his site, I saw the name Ryan D. Smith. In a heartbeat, the old wounds were ripped opened yet again.

I quickly did some research on Mr. Peet and learned he is a male feminist/cross-genre poet and teacher in Vermont. He started a press. He gives interviews and reviews books. He’s written several books, including one about his nephew, Jeremy Barney, who was convicted as a teen several years ago of sex crimes against a family of children for whom he babysat. I noticed that Mr. Peet had links on his site to the NCRJ and then I knew. I knew that Mr. Peet did not believe children. I knew that he believed that testimony is often coerced or tainted or effected by "planted" ideas. I looked at the list of people who he admired and I recognized names of expert witnesses who had written an amicus curiae (“friend of the court” letter) for Ryan Smith's appeal. I cannot tell you how alarmed I was......not for our family but for the families connected to Creative Frontiers School. I noticed that Mr. Peet was writing on their Facebook page, inserting himself into their traumatic experience. The acrimony and anger was growing. Mr. Peet immediately declared that a conspiracy was taking place and that any allegations made against Robert Adams were most definitely false and coerced...that children were being forced to lie. Another poster agreed with him and used the phrase “recruited victims”. Was Mr. Peet privy to inside information? Was he in Citrus Heights when these alleged crimes took place? How can he be so certain about alleged crimes which occurred 3000 miles from his home?

I concede that Mr. Peet might have done valuable research involving his nephew’s case but I still cringe when I think of his nephew's victims' reaction to a book about their horrible abuse. Jeremy Barney had his day in court too and was found guilty. He's serving 20 years in a Connecticut prison. I confirmed this with the State Police Sargent who arrested him, after he’d fled to Washington State. One would think that if Mr. Peet had information which would clear Jeremy's name, he'd give that to the authorities. I assume he believes in the innocence of his nephew as he can't imagine a human being committing such vile crimes, especially a young man he must care for. I'm sorry to inform him that those vile acts do occur. Men, women and teens are committing these crimes each and every day. Current statistics show that one in every five girls are sexually abused before the age of 18. One in every six boys are. Someone is abusing those children and not every abuser is a sibling of the same age. Not every child is lying with some evil intent. Mr. Peet is feeding the supporters of CFS one side of the story, one school of thought. There are expert witnesses who believe that children's testimony is not solid. But there are far more doctors, therapists and child development specialists who do believe the children. Thank goodness judges and juries do.

I then learned that Mr. Peet planned to research the case of Ryan D. Smith, who he also declared innocent and wrongly convicted. Was he in Ashland when crimes were committed against our children? Has he been contacted by our children and heard their recantations? If so, I hope he turns over any new evidence to the Ashland, OR police. He’s obviously using the information on the NCRJ site for his resource and couldn't possibly know the truth. I checked with the local police, the District Attorney and our children and Mr. Peet has not contacted any of them. I decided to write to Mr. Peet and offer to answer his questions. I believe my letter to be factual and kind. If he was a true journalist, surely he'd want to hear both sides of the story. However, I read on his blog a few days later that he had received a letter from me but had decided not to respond. Instead, he chose to write vicious words about our family. Here's a quote from Mr. Peet's site from August 29th:

"I received an email from "Mrs. X," whose false testimony in court, along with accusations she elicited from her adopted, handicapped son with a history of violent and sexual abuse of his siblings, proved enough to send a neighbor, fourteen-year-old Ryan D. Smith, to prison for ten years. I will not be replying to Mrs. X's email, however, except through my continued examination of the tragedy that not only ruined the life of Ryan D. Smith and his family, but Mrs. X's other seven handicapped children, who were made to lie, to believe those lies, and to live a lie since--a tragedy that is being re-examined not only by myself but (more importantly) others, including the National Center for Reason and Justice."

Mr. Peet is accusing me of lying, of making my children lie, making them believe those lies and making them live those lies. But more horrifying is that he is accusing one of the victims of "violent and sexual abuse of his siblings". Really? How can Mr. Peet possibly fabricate something such as this? Doesn't he believe that charges would be brought against a child accused of such abuse? None were. The eight children accused one person...their friend, Ryan D. Smith. They didn't accuse their parents, their teachers, their siblings or anyone else. They accused Ryan Smith.

I have no earthly idea as to why Mr. Peet is attracted to our case or to the unfolding case at Creative Frontiers School. I do know, however, that Mr. Peet does not care who he hurts with his words. I politely asked him not to hurt my children. I told him that the "X" children were very real human beings struggling to make their way in this world. They are now 20-25 years old and many are still extremely vulnerable. He doesn't seem to care.

I have to wonder what Mr. Peet hopes to accomplish. Does he have the ability to overturn the convictions or to bring about a new trial for Ryan Smith? Does he have new information that no one has ever unearthed? Does he have inside information about the crisis at Creative Frontiers? Does he have evidence that would clear Robert Adams’ name? If so, I urge him to turn over that evidence to authorities. If not, I implore him to allow the judicial system to do its work. I beg him to be kind and respectful of the children and families hurt by allegations of childhood sexual abuse--while they are being investigated and after there has been a conviction.

We're tired. We want to move on. Our children did as they were taught. They told an adult when they were touched in a bad way. We did what any parent would do. We notified authorities. What else should we have done? Over 13 years have passed since that awful day in April 1998 and we're working mightily to heal. Our wounds seem to be ripped open again and again. We want to move beyond victimhood. Victims live in a state of raw shock and pain. We are desperately trying to move toward survivorship. Survivors are scarred but are moving forward with hope.

I want to alert every person connected to Creative Frontiers School about Mr. Peet and his connections to the National Center for Reason and Justice. Please be sure you understand their motives before you allow Mr. Peet into your circle. Do your research. His intention is not to help find the truth. His intention is to hamper the investigation and to discredit the victims. Please be cautious, for your children’s sake.

I wish you all continued strength. My thoughts are with you. I’ve walked your path and it is not an easy one. Hold your lamps high to shine light into the darkness.

Shelley Linsday
Ashland, OR
September 20, 2011